Our zoo

2 months later...

Audrey is two months old today. Such a sweet little girl she is. And while I absolutely love this stage of babyhood (along with the whole first year, really), I still wish I could rewind. She has already changed so much since her newborn days! Can I still call her a newborn? I'm afraid that label becomes less accurate by the day...

The truth is, I'm having a hard time right now. Not in ways that one might expect, with four kids and all. Actually, I'm surprised at how adding her to our family seems to have added very little to my work load. What I'm struggling with is the fact that Audrey is our last. I knew this would be a hard thing for me to accept, and I knew post-partum hormones wouldn't make it any easier, but now that the hormonal craziness has subsided, I'm finding that this isn't just a feeling that will easily fade. 

The moment it first really hit me was coming home from the hospital. Steve had gone to pick up Travis from baseball practice, and then the two of them came to the hospital to bring Audrey and me home. I might also add I was assigned to the very same post-partum room for Audrey as I was for Travis (all four of our kids were born in the same FABULOUS hospital). As the nurse wheeled me to the hospital entrance, with Audrey in my arms and my now 7-year-old Travis walking beside me, I thought, "How could this be?!" It was very bittersweet. The memory of bringing Travis home from the hospital was absolutely fresh in my memory...and here I was bringing home our fourth and last baby. It all happened so fast! It made me so sad that I would never get to bring another baby home.

I will say, as I have thought a whole lot about all of this, that the difficulty doesn't just come from the fact that kids grow so quickly. That in itself is hard! I think a big part of why this is bothering me is that it is something I have looked forward to my entire life. Literally, for as long as I can remember, I have wanted more than anything to be a mom. I looked forward to all stages of motherhood, but I especially looked forward to pregnancy, birth, and caring for my babies. But what happens when something you have dreamed of your whole life is over? I feel sad, but I also feel a bit panicky, wanting desperately to hang on to something that is slipping away. The weeks and months go by so quickly, and Audrey will be one...and then two....before I know it. Every milestone she hits will be the last time I experience it. Already I'm beginning to set aside clothing that she is growing out of, and she will soon solidly be in the 3-6 month size. Boo.

Part of me thinks, so maybe this means we aren't ready to be done having kids. But really, I think that whether we stop now or have a couple more, I will have to face this time in my life sooner or later. It doesn't make sense to keep having kids just to avoid this hurdle. Steve is definitely ready to be done having kids, and my own head tells me that I do want to be done. I want there to be enough of me to go around. I want to look back and know that I enjoyed being a mom and wasn't too stressed all the time, and more importantly, I want my kids to look back and KNOW that I loved being a mom. And I really think that if we keep going, the potential for stress could skyrocket. I also think about when they are older and involved in various activities...I really want to be there for each of my kids. And let's face it - there are only 24 hours in a day. Not to mention that kids cost a whole lot of money, especially as they get older. And lastly, I really do love our family as it is, and I feel like it is complete. So my head as made up it's mind....now I just need my heart to follow suit. (Then again, until Steve gets the ol' snip-snip, I may be holding out hope.....:)

I realize I may be sounding a bit dramatic in all of this. Am I? After all, I still have so very much to look forward to, and I know that. SO much. The majority of my hands-on mothering years - including the majority of Audrey's babyhood - is still ahead of me. But truly, I feel like a part of me is grieving and trying to figure out how to accept the (current and impending) passing of this season.

So help me, fellow moms. Letting go is most definitely one of the hardest parts of parenting. So how do you do it? Are there any tricks? Because really, I am only at the beginning of needing to let go. I know one of the goals of parenting is to grow your kids to be independent, but each step in that process involves letting go. Some of those steps are harder than others (and different for everyone)...this particular step just seems to be a harder one for me. So those of you with more mothering experience than I, was there any particular transition that was more difficult than others? What helped you move toward acceptance? Impart your wisdom to this floundering soul :) 

Until then and after, I definitely treasure daily moments with ALL of my kids! It may sound cliche, but each of them is an absolute blessing from God.

(To inspire you, enjoy some pictures of Audrey - taken by my friend Nora when Audrey was...14 days old? Nora does not have an official photography business yet, but she will someday! I'm so glad I asked her to take these, as Audrey has changed so much since then, and these beautifully capture her sweetness and newborn-ness.)

Grace....sometimes

Driving home from swimming lessons today, I agreed that since the kids had been making such great progress at swimming, we would drive through somewhere and get them a treat. But within a minute of that conversation, Travis and Jayna started arguing. I told them once they needed to stop fighting and start speaking kindly to one another...but it started again a few minutes later. So I told them that kids who behaved that way did not get treats, and we would not be driving through anywhere. Silence....then Travis said, "But mommy (sly giggle), this is a time when you could practice showing grace to us." 


Part of me was surprised that he knew exactly what it meant to extend grace to someone, and part of me was surprised that he would know how to use God's teachings against me :) I couldn't help but laugh, and yes, they still got a treat. (Travis was quite tickled with himself, and Jayna said with a thumbs-up, "Nice one, Trav!")

Then tonight, after Jayna threw a royal fit over something minor, I told her she would be going straight to bed instead of staying up a bit late. Picture this: Jayna, with hands out to the side as if asking a question, a look of panic/confusion/hope on her face - wailing, "But mommy.....grace???!!"

I see a discussion on grace AND consequences in our future...but nice try, girlie.

Happenings

Warning: lots of pictures! But that's the easiest way to show what we've been up to the last few weeks...

On June 17th, Jayna turned 5! We originally were going to just have a small gathering with a few friends, but she REALLY wanted a party at Pump It Up. Since Travis had a party there last year and it was what she really wanted, we went for it. It actually turned out to be a great plan, considering Audrey was still very new and a party there requires very little work/planning on my part. She invited several friends from church and one from preschool and had a blast! She greatly increased her My Little Pony collection that day, and has played with them almost every day since. We sure do love this girl. I already miss her when I think of her going to kindergarten in the fall.

Jayna's actual birthday fell on Father's Day. It just so happened that a group of families from Travis' baseball team was going to a Mariners game that day, so Steve took Travis and Jayna. Travis sat next to his "bff" from school, and Jayna apparently took advantage of the fact that it was her birthday and asked Daddy for every treat imaginable :) When they got home we sang and had brownies.

Audrey around 5 weeks. This girl brings so much joy to my every day.

Travis and Jayna can really butt heads, but more and more often, I hear them playing and laughing  and pretending together. It does my heart good! I don't even remember what they were talking about at this particular moment, only that it made me smile.

One of our Friday family movie nights! The kids are so sweet with Audrey.  I really couldn't have asked for a smoother transition in bringing her in to our family. 

A new baseball bat from us!

Travis turned 7 (???!!!) on June 29th. We invited a few families from church, along with  lots of family, and it turned out to be quite the gathering. Travis wanted an obstacle course (which Steve made from various items in our garage) and ice cream sundaes, so that is what he got! Though I must say - planning and getting ready for this party was stressful for me. Steve and I have decided that future birthday parties are going to be much more laidback affairs. Not any less special or memorable for the kids, just....less. Actually, I think "less" will probably end up being MORE special and memorable....  Anyway, we sure do adore our Travis! 

Travis at one of his games, getting ready to field the ball. To say that Travis loves baseball would be the understatement of the year. Both playing it and watching it (go ahead....ask him anything you'd like about the Mariners!) It really is very cute.

Cousin love. My sister and her family came down for T's birthday, and we went to Northwest Trek the next day. We came to this spot and Travis said, "We have to take a picture here!" Okay, then. 

She had been giving us random and short smiles for a couple of weeks leading up to this, but at 7 weeks, she is most definitely smiling! 

For the 4th of July this year, Steve worked, so my original thought - considering we now have FOUR young kids including a newborn - was to stay home. We actually get quite a nice show from Jayna's bedroom. But one of my friends invited us over to another friends' house, and I am so glad she convinced me to come! There were many kids for my kids to play with, great food, and fireworks, of course. We all had a really great time. 

Audrey loooooves the front pack. And I love holding her close, so it all works out :)

Jayna helping me make gobs of raspberry jam.

Almost 8 weeks (taken yesterday)

We have some raspberry bushes in our backyard, and the kids are out there daily picking berries.  It's one of their favorite things to do, actually, though they seem to think that new raspberries magically ripen every hour :)

And taken just today - our three goofballs, playing baseball together.