Audrey is two months old today. Such a sweet little girl she is. And while I absolutely love this stage of babyhood (along with the whole first year, really), I still wish I could rewind. She has already changed so much since her newborn days! Can I still call her a newborn? I'm afraid that label becomes less accurate by the day...
The truth is, I'm having a hard time right now. Not in ways that one might expect, with four kids and all. Actually, I'm surprised at how adding her to our family seems to have added very little to my work load. What I'm struggling with is the fact that Audrey is our last. I knew this would be a hard thing for me to accept, and I knew post-partum hormones wouldn't make it any easier, but now that the hormonal craziness has subsided, I'm finding that this isn't just a feeling that will easily fade.
The moment it first really hit me was coming home from the hospital. Steve had gone to pick up Travis from baseball practice, and then the two of them came to the hospital to bring Audrey and me home. I might also add I was assigned to the very same post-partum room for Audrey as I was for Travis (all four of our kids were born in the same FABULOUS hospital). As the nurse wheeled me to the hospital entrance, with Audrey in my arms and my now 7-year-old Travis walking beside me, I thought, "How could this be?!" It was very bittersweet. The memory of bringing Travis home from the hospital was absolutely fresh in my memory...and here I was bringing home our fourth and last baby. It all happened so fast! It made me so sad that I would never get to bring another baby home.
I will say, as I have thought a whole lot about all of this, that the difficulty doesn't just come from the fact that kids grow so quickly. That in itself is hard! I think a big part of why this is bothering me is that it is something I have looked forward to my entire life. Literally, for as long as I can remember, I have wanted more than anything to be a mom. I looked forward to all stages of motherhood, but I especially looked forward to pregnancy, birth, and caring for my babies. But what happens when something you have dreamed of your whole life is over? I feel sad, but I also feel a bit panicky, wanting desperately to hang on to something that is slipping away. The weeks and months go by so quickly, and Audrey will be one...and then two....before I know it. Every milestone she hits will be the last time I experience it. Already I'm beginning to set aside clothing that she is growing out of, and she will soon solidly be in the 3-6 month size. Boo.
Part of me thinks, so maybe this means we aren't ready to be done having kids. But really, I think that whether we stop now or have a couple more, I will have to face this time in my life sooner or later. It doesn't make sense to keep having kids just to avoid this hurdle. Steve is definitely ready to be done having kids, and my own head tells me that I do want to be done. I want there to be enough of me to go around. I want to look back and know that I enjoyed being a mom and wasn't too stressed all the time, and more importantly, I want my kids to look back and KNOW that I loved being a mom. And I really think that if we keep going, the potential for stress could skyrocket. I also think about when they are older and involved in various activities...I really want to be there for each of my kids. And let's face it - there are only 24 hours in a day. Not to mention that kids cost a whole lot of money, especially as they get older. And lastly, I really do love our family as it is, and I feel like it is complete. So my head as made up it's mind....now I just need my heart to follow suit. (Then again, until Steve gets the ol' snip-snip, I may be holding out hope.....:)
I realize I may be sounding a bit dramatic in all of this. Am I? After all, I still have so very much to look forward to, and I know that. SO much. The majority of my hands-on mothering years - including the majority of Audrey's babyhood - is still ahead of me. But truly, I feel like a part of me is grieving and trying to figure out how to accept the (current and impending) passing of this season.
So help me, fellow moms. Letting go is most definitely one of the hardest parts of parenting. So how do you do it? Are there any tricks? Because really, I am only at the beginning of needing to let go. I know one of the goals of parenting is to grow your kids to be independent, but each step in that process involves letting go. Some of those steps are harder than others (and different for everyone)...this particular step just seems to be a harder one for me. So those of you with more mothering experience than I, was there any particular transition that was more difficult than others? What helped you move toward acceptance? Impart your wisdom to this floundering soul :)
Until then and after, I definitely treasure daily moments with ALL of my kids! It may sound cliche, but each of them is an absolute blessing from God.
(To inspire you, enjoy some pictures of Audrey - taken by my friend Nora when Audrey was...14 days old? Nora does not have an official photography business yet, but she will someday! I'm so glad I asked her to take these, as Audrey has changed so much since then, and these beautifully capture her sweetness and newborn-ness.)
4 comments:
Love seeing pictures of your beautiful baby! As to grieving her being the last baby, I totally hear you. I do that a lot too with my children. But I am learning that the more I focus on how fast it's going and knowing someday I'll be looking back so sad and wishing I could have this time back, the more I spend thinking about it, the less I'm enjoying every minute of every day. We went on vacation in April and it was the middle of the week and Travis asks me, "what's wrong". I explained that I was sad because we were having so much fun and we were more than halfway done with our vacation. His response was "Stop thinking like that and start thinking about the amazing few days we have left. If you spend so much time focusing on the sad parts of vacation (that it will eventually end) you miss the good parts." I hope that makes sense and it's something I try to think about often. Just enjoy all these moments, slow down enough to breathe and spend extra time with your children. Those are the best memories you will have.
Crystal
Hurdles are hurdles that we just have to get over, some being harder than others! Each new stage of our lives has God's purpose for us to fulfill. This is what I'm telling myself as Becky moves from Klamath Falls even though she's been out of the nest for 5 years. There have been lots of tears and I know my emotions will settle down eventually. Yes, look forward to God's blessings in front of us and be thankful for those behind us.
I share your feelings thoroughly! Love you so much, Mom
You can just look forward to being an aunt to my babies!
What everyone said above, along with embracing the fact that grieving our children growing up is something we will likely do the rest of our lives. Relish in the love you have for them, which also includes a healthy dose of sadness. Says the woman who is so excited that Ada gets to go to school, and bawls like a baby when I think about her being gone during the day. xoxo Michele
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