Here's where we're at...

As great as a blog can be for keeping friends and family up-to-date, documenting our lives, and reflecting on things, I sometimes have a hard time with it. Specifically, I sometimes wonder if I am really portraying myself and our lives accurately. I love my life as it is - I truly do - and I'm pretty sure that that is reflected in this blog. But sometimes, life isn't so pretty and I don't feel so perky and I really want to strangle my kids. But these things are much more difficult to share, partly because I don't want to be whiny or make people think I'm unhappy....and largely because it's hard to admit that I really don't know what I'm doing as a parent! It's hard to be vulnerable, especially when there are other parents who seem to have all the answers and are raising little angels. But I'm guessing that there are way more people out there who can relate to feeling inadequate, as opposed to feeling absolutely confident. If only there was a parenting handbook...

Travis and Jayna have been driving me a little bit nuts lately. Okay, a lot bit. Travis is officially the whiniest child on earth, and his whining grates on my (and Steve's) nerves like nothing else. We have very little patience for it. And yet we can't figure out how to MAKE IT STOP!!! We've experimented, with ignoring it, giving him alternative ways of expressing himself, etc. And we're still experimenting. If anyone has been there with their own child and has any bright idea, let us know....please?! In the meantime, it's just really frustrating. Jayna, who can be SO sweet sometimes, can also be SO not sweet! She is going through this screaming phase...when she is unhappy about something, she screams. And it's no small scream, let me tell you. It's piercing. We do spankings and time-outs, which work on certain behaviors, but we're not really seeing a change in this one. So either we need to come up with plan C, or maybe it's just something that will pass, as long as we keep after her? On top of those things, the two of them have been fighting a lot lately. I would think that at 4 and 2 they'd be too young to go at it as they do, but nope. They know how to battle! These are issues we deal with daily, and it's really been wearing on me. I'm pooped, and not just physically.

I guess the part of all of this that is hardest for me is the fact that I feel like it's out of my control, and I do NOT like feeling helpless like that. It's not the behaviors that worry me, it's the fact that we do address them and feel like we're being consistent in addressing them, and yet we still don't see any progress. It kind of makes me think, "oh crap...I don't know what to do and my child will always be like this!" A bit of panic and frustration mixed together.

I will say that when I look at things objectively, I know there's hope. The kids aren't ALWAYS like this, and I'm pretty sure we're not the only parents who have ever felt this way, and yet their kids have turned out great. And I do have ideas on how we can make things better (greater consistency, having talks NOT in the heat of the moment, more prayer, letting go of too-high expectations, and I think preschool/schoolyear regular activities will help). It's just a frustrating and worrisome thing when you're in the midst of it.

With that said, Travis and Jayna are going to be gone next week (not because of these frustrations...this has been planned for awhile:) And I refuse to feel any guilt in admitting that not only am I REALLY looking foward to it, but I NEED it. They'll be gone Monday-Friday, down in Portland with grandparents. The protective part of me doesn't like the thought of them being gone that long, as they are only 4 and 2! But Portland is only a couple of hours away, so we could be there in a flash if we needed to be. And I know they'll be in good hands!

You may remember that we did this about a year ago, at the end of last September, and I took the opportunity to get a million things done on my to-do list. While I do have a to-do list for this time around, I plan on spending at least as much time just relaxing and doing things that fill me up...playing piano, reading, date night with Steve, going on a scenic walk or two. And I'm really looking foward to just enjoying Evan. I'm especially thankful for him right now...he is the child that makes me feel like I'm a good mother! I think I have a knack for infants, it's when they grow up that I'm apparently clueless! :) Anyway, stay tuned for a report on our relaxing week!